hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
