at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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