When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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