I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
