I feel like abortions should bother me more
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
