I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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