i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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