when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize