We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
