My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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