I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
