Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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