i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
