I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
