i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
