You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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