Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I need to calm my uterus...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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