I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
