you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
