Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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