I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
even my farts smell like vagina
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
