worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
