Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
