He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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