they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
