bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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