I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
