i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
