I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Is it penis luge time yet?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
