dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize