Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
