did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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