Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
