I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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