being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize