i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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