My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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