we need to drink 2009 down the drain
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
