the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
