I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dear god my vagina.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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