got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
