Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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