I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
