But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
