Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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