Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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