I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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