I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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