I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
