So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I supernannyed him into submission
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
