so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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