i think i have two assholes
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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