Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
