chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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