Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize