i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
